^ Top

Passover’s Forgotten Plague

April 22nd, 2011

My Uncle Takes his Seder to Eleven

Earlier this week, my family gathered for the Passover Seder. The table was strewn with symbolic everything—wine, herbs, matzoh, the whole deal.

One of the most memorable parts of the Seder is the bit about the ten plagues, when God rained down terror on the Egyptians for refusing to free the Jews from slavery. As a kid, I loved this part—dipping my pinky in a rose-crystal wine glass and inking little Manischewitz blots on the slope of my dinner plate. One for each plague. Blood—dip, blot. Frogs!—dip, blot. Pests—dip…

I love how each plague is more arcane and creatively sinister than the last. Pests (what kinds of pests?), beasts, cattle disease (what?), boils (now we’re talking), hail, locusts, darkness…and lastly, the not so funny slaying-of-the-first born. Heavy Old Testament shit.

At this year’s Seder my uncle added one more, an eleventh plague to outdo even wrathful murder.

“…and Democrats,” my uncle said, smirking sideways at his own devilish humor.

Granted, it was a dumb joke and as an isolated incident not a big deal. But let me tell you something about my uncle. This is a man who once offered to pay me $1,000 to watch a full episode of Glenn Beck.

Please, whatever else you do, you have got to get your hands on a replay of the Glenn Beck show from today, And watch it very carefully.

Watch it by yourself and if you think it’s right or may be right or has even a chance of being right, tell me what you think about it. I will happily give you $1,000 to you for anything you want if you’ll do this as a favor to me.

In late-February, Glenn Beck was on a streak. Egypt was hot with revolution, Mubarak was already gone, and in neighboring Libya, towns near Tripoli were falling to anti-governmental protestors. Gaddafi blamed the uprising on, among other things, Nescafe spiked with hallucinogens. My uncle, a devout Beckian, emailed me updates:

Today, Glenn Beck found footage of Obama talking about how he went with Jeremiah Wright and Louis Farrakhan to Libya to see Gaddafi who was being celebrated for his good works…or something like that.

This blog isn’t about just my brother. And it’s not only about conservatives I’m related to. It’s about the otherwise educated and intelligent Americans who, in the brief time since Barack Obama was elected president, mentally unraveled.

The war with Libya is part of Soros master plan to control the armies of Egypt and Libya, to destroy Israel and control the oils of the world. Soros has been promoting the global warming myth so that America will be more and more vulnerable to being brought to her knees, and with Obama in power doing his bidding, he stopped all drilling in the gulf, possibly even causing the oil rig to blow up.

Naturally, I accepted my uncle’s bribe. But when I wrote him back—deeply skeptical of Beck’s wisdom—he changed the terms of the agreement.

Watch Beck for five episodes and write me a brief letter telling me what you think…good or bad…and my offer stands.

After he changed the deal once, I’m not so sure anymore. But I guess have a few months left to be one more whore to Fox News.